Understanding Your Creations, Part 2 - Disconnects

The following is Part 2 of a two part post "Understanding Your Creations." You can find Part 1, Parallel Realities, here.

Creation is quite easy when we're completely in line with our desires, and painfully difficult when we're not. I've learned that if I focus on something consistently and continually and don't get it, there's a reason. If I really want what I'm attempting to create, it pays to discover what that reason is.

In this section (Part 2) I'll give two examples from my own experience, one where I created the impossible quite easily (or should we say smoothly), and another where no matter how I tried, I could not manifest what I wanted. Ultimately I'll show the path it took for me to discover why my desires would not manifest, what to do about it.

Example 1: Manifestation Can Be Easy!

My first example is about how easily and smoothly miracles can be manifested:

In 1975 at the age of 25 I was looking for a career. I had spent a few terms in regular college and deemed it "not for me". I was working but didn't have a "career". I wanted a career, a skill set, something I could feel proud of myself doing.

I wanted this career to be something where I could always be learning the latest and greatest technologies, where I would have the opportunity to travel at no expense to me, and where I could make good money. For a number of reasons that I won't bore you with, I settled on computer repair as a career goal.

At this time in our world, computers weren't the household item they are today. In fact, what few computers were in use were quite big and inordinately expensive. It was unheard of for anyone but the most lucky to be in this field, it was even more unheard of for a woman to be in it. So it appeared that the deck was a little bit stacked against me.

But I didn't let that any of that stop me. I set my sites on this goal without having a clue how I was going to get there or how it was going to turn out. "The Universe provides and it provides absolutely" is the mantra I adopted.

The minimum requirement to get into this field at even the lowest level was a 4-year degree in Engineering and/or Computer Science. Not knowing how exactly to proceed, I signed up for a private technical school at great expense. I didn't really know how I was going to pay for it. What's interesting is that I went to that school for a couple months and didn't like it. It wasn't the material (subject matter) I didn't like, it was the school.

Through a series of synchronicities too detailed to provide here, I ended up leaving that program and enrolled instead at a local community college. The community college was far less costly and far more comprehensive, and their programs were highly regarded in the field of electronics and engineering. So I'd gotten myself into a really good school at far less cost. Even my financial obligations were eased when out of the blue I received a partial scholarship, along with a student aid job working in the school's computer lab. I graduated two years later with an Associate's degree in Electronic Engineering Technology.

All the while I was taking classes I was focusing my energy (internally) on getting into computer repair, including continued learning, travel, and good pay. To the outside world that goal looked impossible - there were simply no opportunities. I didn't allow that to deter me. I continued to hold the dream, with absolutely no clue how to go about it.

At graduation, like the rest of my class I interviewed at all the big companies in my area. Each one offered some opportunity in the electronics world, mostly bench technician type work. Nothing they offered appealed to me.

In a fit of almost desperation I decided to interview at the local phone company. This is a place I had worked at in the past as a telephone operator. My thinking was that I might have to take a job there until I could get into the field I really wanted.

I applied and got an interview. During the interview we talked about my education and what I wanted. Can you guess what happened next?

They offered me a position as a computer repair technician in their Minicomputer Maintenance department! This was a P-1 craft position, the highest non-management position possible in that company. They said the job involved a lot of travel to different computer manufacturers where I would learn about all the latest technologies and equipment and would that be ok with me?

OMG I could hardly hear what was being offered I was so excited! I took the job and had the most fantastic time in my new career. I worked there for 5 years before I felt impelled to move on. In that time I made a lot of money, travelled extensively, learned a lot, and loved my work. Everything I had wanted was almost literally handed to me on a silver platter. Yet I am clear that I created it all. And it really wasn't that hard, I just focused my thoughts on what I wanted and didn't let anyone or anything sway me from it. I took steps as I was inspired to take them, and it all turned out exactly as I envisioned, through a lot of synchonicities and what we humans tend to call "miracles".

This was not the only amazing story of manifestation in my life. As with anyone who cares to really look at their life - anyone who cares to see, acknowledge, and appreciate their various manifestations of "miracles" - I've experienced many. So I know first-hand how easy it can be to manifest our desires, and to do so with ease.

Why then, can I/we apply the same process to other desires and have them not turn out?

Example 2: Manifestation Can Be Impossible!

Soul-level Choices

When our manifestations don't turn out it's because there's either a disconnect between the stated desire and the heartfelt, soul-level desire and/or we have unconscious habits of thought and belief that are derailing our manifestation.

There can be any number of reasons for such disconnects, all of which are knowable at some level. But in the long run the reasons don't really matter. What matters is getting clear about what one's heartfelt, soul-level desires are, because those are the ones that are going to manifest in our experience. That and getting clear about what thoughts and beliefs we hold that are sabotaging our conscious efforts.

Sometimes our seemingly hidden (hidden from our awareness) desires have to do with what we might call "life lessons", where at the soul-level we desire to experience something for whatever reasons we do. I put "life lessons" in quotes because they aren't really lessons. At the soul level everything that "appears" to happen to us (that we have, in fact, attracted to us) is simply an experience that we desire to have, for whatever reasons we desire to have it. There are billions of humans on the planet and billions of reasons why each one is choosing the experiences that they are choosing.

The bottom line here is that unless and until a soul-level choice is fully experienced, accepted, and integrated, if our human-level desire stands in opposition to that soul-level desire, no amount of "positive thinking" is going to get us what we "think" we want. Because sometimes we don't really want what we say we want, we just aren't aware that we don't. Confusing, I know, but as the story unfolds, hopefully this conundrum will get cleared up. It definitely can be resolved.

The only way to manifest our stated outward desire is to connect with the manifestation(s) of the inner desire until those experiences are complete. That's where most of the pain and suffering of the human being comes in - in the misunderstanding of why supposedly "unwanted" experiences are manifesting.

It's easy to recognize soul-level desires, if we're paying attention. They are manifesting, and will continue to manifest, in a cyclic pattern. Different people, different places, different times - same result. The patterns of unwanted experiences in our lives are clear when we care to look for them. Look for situations and experiences of a repetitive nature that leave you frustrated, angry, upset, resentful, or depressed. Once you see the pattern you can set about resolving it.

The process is one of acknowledgement, acceptance, appreciation, honoring, and integration. It requires looking at what's happening from a different perspective. Some call this "being the observer", "standing outside yourself" etc. Others, like Geoff Hoppe at Crimson Circle, call this "standing behind the short wall." It means to stand back where you can observe the action (or reaction) without being involved in it. By any name the process is the same - looking at a situation not as the participant but as the creator, the author, the director. That's where all your power is.

Find Out What You Really Want

Here's an example of a disconnect between one's stated human desires and one's soul-level desires, as seen from my personal viewpoint and experience:

For many years I had bought lottery tickets with the typical human desire to have gobs of money. For me, gobs of money equated to everything I wanted: Freedom - to buy and do whatever I want, whenever I want; and generosity - the ability to ease the pain and increase the joy of others through giving. In other words, I wanted life to be easy and pain free, and I wanted the ability to offer that to others too.

The path to these ultimate desires seemed to be gobs of money. So gobs of money is what I wanted. Truth be told, I would have accepted less than gobs of money, but even small amounts eluded me. Like many others in todays world I was surviving, not thriving. Thriving is what I wanted. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting it.

Like most folks who buy lottery tickets regularly, I didn't win anything of any significance. I believed that I could win but I didn't win. I envisioned winning but I didn't win. I read about others who had envisioned winning and they won. I knew that I could envision things and that if I stayed true to my focus I got what I wanted. But in this lottery thing I didn't and couldn't seem to make it happen. I started to look deeply at why that was. Do I think that winning would prove I could manifest and that not winning proved I couldn't? Not at all. But I was extremely curious about why the manifestation of miraculous and amazing experiences could be so easy in some areas and so seemingly impossible in others.

What unfolded was a very long process. It didn't need to be long, but it was, because I kept not wanting to "go there" with what was revealing itself to me through my life experiences. I didn't want to accept that gobs of money wasn't really what I wanted. I didn't want to see what my experiences were showing me. I didn't trust in the process, I was too scared.

Discovering The True Desire

And therein lies the real crux of what I, at a heart-/soul-level, truly wanted. I wanted not to be afraid.

What was I afraid of?

As it turns out, what I was afraid of was just about everything .. and everyone.

Through my journies inward, through observing the cycles in my life, by being aware of what my bodily reactions were to different external circumstances, I began to realize how very many things, beings, and situations I was in fear of: I was afraid of authority figures who could take my house and other possessions if I didn't make the payments. And since I had long ago left my very lucrative position as a minicomputer maintenance technician, I was deeply afraid that I wouldn't have the money to keep making those payments.

I was afraid of authority figures who could take my family if I didn't follow society's rules about what parents are supposed to be and do. I was afraid I'd be sick if I didn't eat what society said I should eat, exercise the way society said I should exercise.

I was afraid of people who didn't approve of what I did, what I said, beliefs I held, how I behaved. Afraid I wouldn't be accepted or liked if I really BE'd who I am. Afraid not to wear makeup when I went out because even with makeup I didn't think I measured up in the looks department. Afraid to say "no, I don't want to come to your event" just because I don't want to, without making up an excuse that I thought they'd approve of (got plans, don't feel well .. you get the picture).

I was afraid not to "do the right thing" or behave in "the right way".

When push came to shove, I was living my life for everyone but me. I was trying to fit any and every mold that society, family, friends, associates, bosses, teachers, doctors, government agents, corporate leaders, spiritual gurus, you-name-it had for me. As Abraham likes to say (I'm paraphrasing) "You just can't stand on your head in enough ways to satisfy everyone you're trying to please". It's true, I couldn't. But for the greater part of my life I did everything in my power to try.

When Fear Drives Your Experiences

What did it take to come to the realization that my fears were driving my experiences, and would continue to do so until I resolved those fears?

It took the hardest thing I've ever done in my life - it took having my house foreclosed on by the bank, and following through on the decisions I made around that action. It was both an internal and an external journey. Internal where I confronted my fears for real, where I acknowledged and accepted them. External by challenging the bank over their claim to my house.

The internal journey was accepting, appreciating, and eventually honoring both the experiences, horrible as they felt to me at the time, and the human beings involved with me in them for the growth opportunities that were being provided for me. Opportunities that I was providing for myself.

I decided, for once and for all, no kidding, no waffling, no resisting, to allow myself to feel my fear.

Prior to this I'd never really allowed myself to experience fear. It sounds funny to say, but I was too afraid to! I had developed ways to hide from fear, to ignore it, to pretend it away, to soothe myself without confronting it.

In my terms I was a sweets-aholic. I call it sweets-aholism because what I did was so similar to other addictive behaviors like smoking, drinking, substance abuse, or compulsive anything. That is, whenever the feeling of fear entered my body I'd reach for sweets to feel better.

But with foreclosure looming over me, no amount of sweets could make me feel better. I walked on pins and needles every moment of every day - dreading when the phone rang that it might be creditors, dreading when the mail came that it might be more bad news about our house, dreading leaving the house because when I came back I might be locked out, dreading people finding out our situation because I feared their judgements. Dreading thinking at all because I couldn't handle the depressing thoughts of losing the only thing of value that we had.

It was scary to allow myself to feel my fear. I guess I thought I'd disintegrate or evaporate or something. I had spent the better portion of my life learning ways to avoid those feelings. Now I was determined to feel them, knowing that doing so was the only way I was ever going to integrate them, and through integration be free of them.

So I set about paying attention to my body, paying attention to what the sensations are when I was fearful. Some people feel fear in their gut, or in their head (through headaches and migraines). I feel fear in my heart. My heart literally hurts when I'm afraid. Depending on the degree of fear my body will tingle, shake, wretch, cry. Any number of ways fear affected me. I determined to feel them all. There were some scary moments, moments when I didn't think I was going to survive it. But I did.

I determined to stand up for myself regarding our house, and allow myself to feel the fear whenever it came up.

(I will add here my sincere thanks to Heather Anne Tucci-Jarraf and the OPPT team, D at Removing the Shackles, Brian Kelly, BZ Riger at i-uv, Ginger (snap) Vogler, Ken and Scott Bartle, and all the other people and organizations working to inform and shift the world's financial systems, including those sharing their personal experiences with same. Without these sources and resources I would not have had the tools I needed - or the courage - to take the stand I took.)

Regarding my fears, the worst was when paperwork from the lawyers would come. I'd have all sorts of awful thoughts. Eventually I stopped thinking and started feeling what my body was going through. I felt them all. I acknowledged them all. I accepted them. And when I got through a bout of feeling my fear, when I was feeling calm and composed, I'd continue my research on the topic of foreclosure. There was a lot to sort through and absorb.

Over time, and through listening to my intuition and guidance, I developed a plan. I told almost no one what I was up to, I didn't want to be derailed by those with good intentions but little knowledge. I didn't want to derail myself by listening to others - this was a process I determined for myself and it should make no difference at all what anyone else thought of my plan. But it did, I was sensitive still to the fears of others, and not feeling strong enough to tackle other's fears. Yet.

So this was my private journey and while the house wasn't mine alone, I alone would challenge the bank for it .. but fortunately for me, with the blessings of my spouse.

During the course of my research I had learned about the fraud in our world's financial sector, and I came to accept my own power in the matter of my own life.

One day I had a grand realization, one that forever changed my approach to all things financial. I realized, in a flash of understanding and insight, that I wouldn't give the bank another penny for my house even if I won the lottery. That was a huge step for me, coming to a deeply seated knowing that debt does not exist, that I owed nothing to anyone. After that moment nothing could shake me from my path.

I realized that I had chosen this house, and while I don't believe that I own the house and especially not the property it sits on (how can anyone "own" a piece of Earth, Gaia, a sentient being in her own right?), neither can anyone else. I do, however, accept myself as the steward of it. As steward, I accept responsibility for it. That is a right I have chosen, and I do not accept any other being as having a greater right to this house and property than I have. That was the mind set that I adopted as I went through the steps of keeping my house.

I reminded myself often that the numbers being presented to me by the bank and their lawyers were just numbers on a piece of paper, the numbers had intrinsically no meaning, only whatever meaning I gave them. I determined to give them no meaning. Likewise the words on all the legal paperwork were just words on a piece of paper. Those words also intrinsically had no meaning, only whatever meaning I gave them. I determined to give those no meaning also, although I did respond to them. I just did so without all the drama and emotion generated by my old fears.

It's been a process spanning years while this, that, and the other thing happened between the bank, their lawyers, the court, and me.

I need to be clear here that while I disagreed with the bank that I had two choices - in their terms, pay them or let them take the house - I did not consider my interactions with them a "fight". I did not feel, nor did I speak or act, adversarial. When you get to the nitty gritty of it, I saw other options, none of which involved paying the bank or letting them take our house. I was not "fighting for my rights" or for anything else, I was asserting myself as steward of my house.

Be aware that that was an attitude that I adopted; I never spoke of it throughout the legal process. It guided my actions but was not a tangible part of my actions. I didn't know what the path to resolution would be, nor did I know the steps it would take to get there. I only knew one thing - that the outcome as I determined it to be was a foregone conclusion. All I had to do was do what my intuition, my guidance, led me to do, and trust that it would all turn out. It took courage and determination, and I kept at it until I attained those qualities.

I knew, I had to know - with every fibre of my being - that everything that happened or would happen was a step in a journey that would eventually end in my favor. I knew, I had to know, that I wasn't really fighting for a house, that was just a prop in a play.

Over the years I'd been presented with other props (the patterns were obvious had I been able to see them), but I had failed to recognize them for what they were. I never took advantage of the props, the events, the circumstances that were happening to me to experience what, on a soul level, I wanted to experience.

Another thing Abraham likes to say is "if something’s got your attention and you’re not in the Vortex and you don’t know it, don’t worry, it’ll get bigger, and if you still don’t know it, don’t worry, it’ll get bigger, until it gets big enough that you say, ‘this is uncomfortable, I think I need to do something about this’" Meaning that if you don't learn whatever it is you've determined at a soul-level to learn, through creating the circumstances that will hopefully provide that learning opportunity, the opportunities will continue to get worse. You're trying to get your own attention after all! Having my house foreclosed is the "worse" that my experiences culminated in because I was unable or unwilling to see the opportunity in "less worse" situations.

This time, in this situation, I was finally on track with my soul-level desires. I used this experience as a way to acknowledge and integrate my fear; I reminded myself continually that that was the goal. The house, the bank, the lawyers, the court, and anything else involved were simply ways for me to see where fear ruled me; to acknowledge, accept, appreciate, and even honor the situations and experiences as a stage play wherein I was allowing myself to confront what I no longer chose to rule me.

I honored the lawyers involved, and to a person they treated me with decency and respect, despite continuing in every way possible to foil my attempts. It was an amazing process to be involved in, even funny taking into account some of the ludicrous things they attempted to get away with. But at every turn there was the opportunity for me to feel the fear and clear it. After all, this was my play and throughout it I created many opportunities to feel fear, integrate it, and then continue on more powerful than before. The others involved got to experience whatever they experienced. I hope they learned as much as I!

The details of the case would take weeks, if not months, to describe so I won't be doing that. Suffice it to say that the bank eventually, and voluntarily, dropped their suit. There's nothing more to be said. Our house is our house, as it has been for over thirty years. We paid and will pay the bank exactly zero more dollars for the privilege to live in it.

Some would say that I won. I don't see it that way. I say we all won, all of humanity won, all of creation won. There was never anything to lose, not really. There were only experiences to be had.

What I learned about myself and about human beings in general cannot be bought and paid for with any amount of money. The experience is now a part of mass consciousness, and all the world will benefit, even the bankers, lawyers, and judges. Because at the heart of it all, I was only playing a part in a stage play, and so were they. That play is over for me because I learned all that I intended to learn from it. Spiritually speaking, I milked it for all it was worth. One some levels I even had fun - becoming more of who I am and less of who I had been trying to be.

For others the play continues; each has their own reasons for playing, as did I. As for me, I'm on to other plays and other experiences, but with access to far more wisdom and more power than I ever knew I had. And that is a very good feeling.

Acknowledging Fear, Accepting Fear

During the process I encountered hundreds of opportunities to feel my fear. Sometimes I handled that fear superbly, sometimes I forgot what I was up to and allowed the fear to rule me.

But overall, I found a power within me that I suspect everyone who "conquers" their fear finds - a deeply seated power within that they never knew they had, and wouldn't have known they had if they hadn't taken full advantage of that experience. It's a feeling of power that changes one's life forever. It could come from something as grand as conquering a mountain, something as poignant as an agoraphobe taking a first step outside the safety of their home, or something as mundane as speaking one's truth in a discussion. For me it was standing firm in the face of supposed authority figures who I had allowed to rule me through fear in this lifetime and others.

As the saying goes, fearless doesn't mean having no fear, it means acting in spite of that fear. For me it doesn't mean pushing forward in spite of fear, it means acknowledging and accepting the fear. Having done that, the fear vanishes; it's been integrated.

Mine was a process of experiencing, acknowledging, accepting, honoring, and eventually integrating the events in my life that I was responding to in a fearful way. Am I done? Not. There are other fears. I know them by how my body responds to different situations. I won't necessarily tackle them all at the same time, but I do try to keep myself aware of how my body is responding, and allow it to feel however it feels when fear is there. Amazingly enough, fear doesn't come up as often now, nor are the feelings as strong as before.

All is well in all of creation, and all is well with me.

I encourage everyone to stop pretending they aren't afraid, when we're all afraid. Not all of us are afraid of the same things, but we all have our fears. Fears do not, can not exist in higher vibrational experiences. It all must be cleared and integrated before we can continually live the lives of peace, freedom, abundance, harmony, ease, and grace that we wish to live.

And Finally, Freedom

I did forget to mention one other thing that I did, as a part of accepting and integrating my fears. I declared myself free.

I realized that I don't need money to feel free, I don't need approval to feel free, I don't need circumstances to be a certain way to make me feel free. All I need is my declaration that I AM free, and to live from that stand in every possible moment.

That feeling cannot be taken away from me, it is the core of who I am. It is the core of who you are. Declare freedom for yourself. Live it, and allow no one and no thing to take that feeling from you. You are entitled. You are worthy. You are magnificent! Give no other the power to make you feel otherwise.

And sweets? Well, I still like the taste of them. I still eat sweet things. What's different is that I don't reach for sweets when "that feeling" comes up. It's not something I have to monitor, it just is. I have other ways of responding to my fears now, and magically, thankfully, sugar isn't one of them.

As for the lottery? I don't buy tickets anymore, my heart isn't in it. I've learned that if my heart isn't in a thing, if I'm not 100% behind my own desires it won't happen, so why waste the money? Besides, we always seem to have enough for anything we want or want to do if we want it badly enough. And the ability to do what we want is expanding every day.

But even without winning the lottery, I now have everything I thought it would give me if I won. I'm free because I've declared myself free. I'm abundant because I have declared myself to be abundant. I appreciate all the wonderful things and people in my life that I have and continue to have. Those are the things that really matter to me. I can be as generous as I need to be. Amazing how as little as $5 or $10 or $20 gifted to someone in distress is as useful and appreciated - perhaps more so - than millions given to charity.

For now we deal with paper money, but I'm looking forward to the day when private central banks are dissolved, and eventually the day when we as a race realize that we don't need money at all any more. Part of that is realizing that metal-backed money systems aren't any better than fiat money, not really. If government was true government and not a privately held corporation, with the welfare of all the people in mind, having the power to create money would be appropriate. When it comes to gold, silver, and other "precious" metals, how can any being "own" what comes from Earth / Gaia's body? We can use it, mold it into things, appreciate it, experience it, share it. But own it? That's like saying the organisms on your skin "own" the area they exist on, and you'll allow them to mine away at what's under your skin and go pile it up in a vault somewhere. That's just silly!

And so ... Life is good. But more than that, Life is a game, play it!

With much love and appreciation to each and every one one of you,

I honor you for who you be and all you do.

- k