Fear. And Our Future.

Hello my friends.

Well here we are, more than a month since my last posting.

In that time, when I have looked out into the world, into my neighborhood, into my own external life, it appeared as if nothing had changed. I still saw countries at war, I still saw prejudice and abusive behavior directed against numerous men women children and animals, and each other. I still saw banks taking people's homes. I still saw corporations treating people like commodities instead of treating them like the sovereign beings that they are. I still saw mainstream media focusing on drama and fear-mongering and not on what's going well or even on what's true. I still saw people treating each other disrespectfully. I still saw people being slaves to the jobs that keep their lives going - surviving but not thriving. I still saw people living on the streets, people in abject poverty, people with no means and very little hope. I still saw people suffering and dying in and out of hospitals. I still saw children, teenagers, young adults, abusing themselves and taking their own life because they saw and felt no value in their own being.

In some ways this realization shattered my world. At this point in time, the start of the year 2013, we weren't - on my time table - supposed to still be living in a world like that. If you have followed this blog for even a short time you will know that I am and have been since starting it, a proponent of ascension, of the coming of The Golden Age, of humanity putting down the mantle of power-over-others and picking up the mantle of follow-your-heart. I know with every fiber of my being, to the very depths of my soul, that what I have been seeing is not who we are as a race. So why are we continuing to act as if it is? I did not know how to reconcile my knowing with what was and is happening in the external world.

Over the last month I have had to look into my soul and ask "why is this so?" Why, when some of us are so clear that it is time to give up trying to control each other and live instead in ease, harmony, and grace, together united as one, are we still confronted with so much despicable behavior in the world? It has taken me weeks to delve into this sadness, to realize that for one, things are not as bleak as they appear, and two, everything is unfolding perfectly.

It sounds trite to say that, I know. How can it be perfect that all this abysmal, one might say even despicable, behavior continues to rule our world? It can be and is perfect because I'd forgotten one very simple yet crucial thing - that in the higher vibrations that we all aspire to, whether we are consciously aware of that aspiration or not, fear cannot exist. Fear cannot and does not exist in those higher vibrations. Which means that those experiencing fear, living in fear, being driven by fear, cannot access those higher vibrations. No matter how much we want to and expect to.

And that is what this last month for me, for all of us, has been about. It's been about drawing into our own lives, each of us as individuals and therefore all of us together as a race, the external expression of those things that we fear. Unless and until we experience and clear those fears, our world is going to continue to reflect just such fears. When I realized this, I knew that it was time to re-address my own fears, the ones that I'd pretended I didn't still have.

For me personally, I have lived with fear to perhaps a greater degree than most. I recall as a child that I was virtually paralyzed with fear most of the time. I was so afraid of my father (a very loving and good man) that I would stand against a wall for hours trying to summon the courage to ask him if I could have something or do something. I don't know if the fear was that he'd say no, or just what the fear was, all I recall is that it was a rare time when I could actually summon the courage to confront him and ask him anything. I became "a good girl" and "a good student" because I was afraid to be anything less.

I recall being so afraid of "boogey men" in my bedroom that at bedtime I would stand paralyzed against the wall under the light switch, too afraid to switch it off for fear something in the darkness would consume me. When I did summon the courage to switch off the light, I would run like the dickens, jump into my bed, and pull the covers up over my head. I would lie there, under the covers, shaking, my heart beating a hundred miles an hour, until at some blessed moment sleep would overtake me.

I recall being taken to doctors and dentists, cowering and screaming from the methods they used to treat me - big needles and torturous cutting with no anesthetic. Compassion in medicine appeared completely lacking when I was a child; I was told to buck up and stop being such a cry baby whiner. Every little noise, or quick movement in my environment, would cause me to react fearfully. I was called "skittish" and "afraid of my own shadow". And because I reacted so strongly to outside stimulus, of course other kids and my own family would make a point of creating situations where those reactions would be triggered. They considered that fun. I made them laugh. These are but a few examples.

I don't relate these things for sympathy. I know that all of these experiences were valuable for me and I look at them with calm understanding, acceptance, and even honor. I relate them merely to lay the foundation for what I am about to unfold. So the important thing to know is that I lived in constant fear as a child, so much so that I didn't even recognize 'not fear'. It wasn't until I was an adult and began doing a lot of work toward personal growth that I got enough relief from my fears that I could actually tell the physical difference between being in fear and not being in fear.

Unlike many, who feel fear in their gut, I feel and felt fear in my heart. Right in the center of my chest is where my fear resides/resided. It felt/feels like being stabbed repeatedly with a hot iron right in my heart.

When I was finally able to recognize these feelings for what they were, I began the long journey of recognizing and releasing the many many things that I found fearful. With each release I reveled in the peace that I found, and often made the mistake of thinking that I was done. Heh. I'm sure those of you reading this can relate - just about the time you start getting comfortable with the freedom from releasing some specific fear, another one comes along to take its place. That's the process - clear one, enjoy the peace, and then another one comes to the surface so that it too can be cleared. This is and has been appropriate, because this is and has been, a time of clearing. For all of us.

I recall a conversation with my teacher and mentor of the last few years, Steve Rother and his unseen friends, "the group". They told me that the patterns I've developed around fear have caused me more grief over many lifetimes than the fear ever did. As I've come to release more and more of my fears, I've found this to be absolutely true. There are many ways in which I've adapted to my fears. Fear is uncomfortable, and I'm not into feeling uncomfortable. I'll do about anything not to feel those horrible feelings that are my response to fear. In other words, I've developed patterns, methods and ways of being, that allow me to dismiss or hide from the pain in my heart when I go into fear. One of these methods is to consume sugar. Sugar makes the pain go away, and this behavior had become so habitual that I didn't even realize why I'd been doing it.

Another pattern is to smile and laugh and pretend I'm not hurting. It hurts to hurt, and most of us humans avoid it like the proverbial plague. I have been no different. I'm so sick and tired of pain - both physical pain and emotional pain - that I'll do about anything to avoid feeling it. I'll push it aside, I'll pretend it away, I'll grab a sweet, I'll blame some one or some thing, I'll get huffy and mad, I'll take a nap, I'll get busy doing something .. just about anything to not feel it, to not confront it.

So this is what I've been doing for the last month while I fell silent on my blog. I've been confronting my fears. Each time something happens in my life that causes that feeling in my heart, I stop and focus on the feeling. I don't do anything else, I just focus on the feeling. I don't try to figure out why I'm feeling it, I don't try to judge that I am feeling it. I focus on the feelings in my body and let the rest of the world fade into the background. I let the feelings consume me. If I'm not in a safe place to allow this I 'bookmark' the event leading up to it and the feelings around it and get back to it when I am in a safe place.

I say 'safe place' because being consumed by fear can cause a whole litany of physical reactions that could scare the boots off of those around me. The deepest of my fear reactions cause my body to shake, cause floods of tears, have even caused wailing and screaming. When a fear has been allowed to become physical to such a degree it can be frightening in the extreme to let it run its course. I have called upon my guides and unseen mentors to assist me in this process, asking them to flood my body with unconditional love and acceptance while I work through my physical and emotional fear reactions.

I must add a note of caution at this point. While I was and am able to confront my fears alone on the physical plane, I don't recommend that others do it that way. I know that I can, because I recognize fear for what it is. On a soul level I'm clearly aware that there is nothing to fear. Fear comes from decisions that we make, have made, that some one or some thing is fearful. We do this, have done this, when some unwanted consequence is or was experienced. Thereafter the same or similar situations, events, experiences, trigger that protection reaction. In other words, we have taught our bodies to go into fear out of the decisions that we've made, both in this lifetime and others. The fear decision is carried in our DNA, so of course it affects our physical body. But it can be cleared, it can be transmuted. So for me, fear is a physical and emotional thing, not a spiritual thing. I give no power to fear on a soul level, so releasing it on a physical level is something I can do for myself. If one is still attached to their fear and cannot own it, they are likely going to need the presence of other physical beings to feel safe enough to release it, to even think about the possibility of integrating and releasing it.

For me, I know in my core that no one and no thing has any power over me that I do not give it. And yet my body continues to react to fear even with this knowing. What I am doing is allowing my body to feel its fear without judgement, without excuses, without telling it not to, without telling it that it shouldn't. I have been telling myself that I shouldn't give in to the fear for most of my life, and that clearly has not worked.

Through allowing this process I'm teaching my body that I, the soul-level being, am back in charge. I no longer give in to the old decisions stored in my DNA, the ones that tell me that I need to be afraid. As I confront more and more fear reactions, the DNA programming changes too - my body responds less and less often and less and less severely, which is why I find the process so important.

When I look into my external life I see that I bring to me the circumstances and experiences that trigger my fears. Those experiences tend to look like some one or some thing is doing something to me that I don't deserve, didn't ask for, and don't want. I can be completely justified in my righteous indignation about all of these experiences - "I didn't ask for this!!" Sadly, doing so only makes them come back around again, more powerful than before. Because this is what I have asked for - I have asked to discover, uncover, and release that which I have habitually responded to with fear. And so has everyone else who finds themselves on the planet at this time, whether it looks like that or not, whether they are aware of it or not. So instead of bemoaning the situations that I find myself in, instead I appreciate, honor, and respect those circumstances and experiences for showing me what I want to see. For being so much right in my face that the things that I respond to in a fearful way can no longer be ignored.

As I said, this is what I have been doing for the last month - facing my fears. It hasn't been pretty. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been fun. But it has been worth it. I've come to a place of peace and calm in my life that is so profound I cannot even describe it. Externally, in one particular area of my life, it looks as if my entire world is crashing down around my ears. And yet I know different. That may be how it looks, but that's not how it is. I have made a soul decision that I will never ever again give my power away to any one or any thing, and I am moving forward from that stance. I AM a sovereign being, I AM a part of the One, I AM an eternal spirit. I call the shots in my own life. I write the script, I call upon the other actors, I direct the movie, I am the primary actor and I am also in the audience. Along with the rest of humanity. My own private production in my own private life, and our joint production globally. In every sense.

When my body goes into fear it is saying, in essence, that whatever or whomever I fear has power over me. They do not. I do not give them that power. That is my choice and mine alone. So as situations arise that send my body back into those kinds feelings, the ones that have me wanting to cower and run, or to be strong and pretend the pain doesn't exist, instead I focus on the feeling. I focus on it until it resolves itself, which interestingly enough, it always does. When the pain is overpowering I call upon every energetic entity that I know of to flood me with unconditional love and acceptance, and believe me, this has helped tremendously. We do not have to suffer our pain alone - there are physical beings and non-physical beings, seen beings and unseen beings, who are ready, willing, and able to help with this process, if only we would ask. We live under the rule of freedom to choose, so we must ask before help will be given. I encourage everyone to ask!

And so here I am, not really knowing how to take this blog forward, but knowing that I will. Knowing that when I look out into the world I will focus not on what I see that's not working, but on what I want to see. If I see what is not working I will use that as a springboard to envision what I prefer to see. When I see or experience something that isn't working, I remember that I have created it with my own un-confronted fear, as each of us have. As each of us works through and releases those fears, we bring into being the very world that have said that we want to see. That's the work. That has been the work since the beginning of duality, just now humanity is stepping into that work both singly and jointly.

This is my world, as it is your world. We live in it, we envision it, we create it. For me, I want to live in a world of true equality, true compassion, true abundance, true appreciation, true loving of one another, true harmony and true cooperation with all the creatures and beings of nature, true harmony and cooperation with all the creatures and beings in our Galaxy, true peace, true honesty, true ease and true grace. That is my new world. A world that works for everyone, with no one left out. I am pleased, honored, and overjoyed to be in that world with all of you.

And so it is.